


Worship

by NinesRadScreenname



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:14:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29828931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinesRadScreenname/pseuds/NinesRadScreenname
Summary: Beatrice has struggled for so long. When Ava walks into her life, everything explodes.Summaries are hard. Read at your own risk.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 23
Kudos: 121





	1. So weary

Worship.

For a long as Beatrice can remember her life has revolved around it, been consumed by it. In her early years she struggled in finding the purpose of it. The burden of perfection bestowed upon her by her parents didn’t seem to be lessened by it. The lack of qualitative substantiation in attendance at mass annoyed her and she failed to see logic in it. As she grew older however the patterns of religion slowly became a source of comfort. There was security in the ritual of attending church, receiving communion, being loved and accepted simply by following rules and adhering to traditions, logic be damned. As her relationship with her parents declined by her inability to achieve their goals, her reliance on her faith grew.

Then came the flaws.

By day she devotes herself to God and her Sisters. To her roles at the Order where she knows she has found purpose and is needed.

Warrior. Strategist. Lethal in more martial arts than she cares to remember. Providing crucial intel and leadership to every mission she gets sent on. Firmly devoted and vowed to serve Him.

But that was before. Before so many of her friends had died, before her fundamental beliefs in the church had been so thoroughly rocked that cracks had started appearing. Before Ava. Cracks are dangerous. If they become large enough they might give insight to what exist beneath. Gradually exposing what lies under the facade of Sister Beatrice.

She pushes her body in training until she can’t feel it anymore. Until the numbness takes over and she can no longer sense the tinges of guilt and shame that has followed her for so many years. It’s the only semblance of reprieve from the thoughts and subsequent feelings which infiltrate her mind until the pain becomes crippling. She whispers silent prayers into the darkness of night. Pleading for a salvation she knows she isn’t worthy of. Begging for things to be different, for her to be different. Resenting her weakness. Hating her flaws. Finally succumbing to exhaustion. Hope of a different tomorrow had abandoned her many years ago.

By night she worships Ava. They spend their time together in a blazing inferno which chases away the darkness they feel inside. At least that’s how it started.

The first time it happened Beatrice could argue that the odds were really not in her favor. They had just returned from the Vatican to a barely functional Cat’s Cradle with Duretti still very much suspicious of the Order and questioning their future existence. At the threat of excommunication Camila had cracked and broken down at dinner. The other sisters had rallied around her and offered her comfort. Her quiet sobs, while fairly contained, had rattled something in Ava and as she stumbled past Beatrice and ran out the door Beatrice couldn’t unsee the look of overwhelming guilt in Ava’s eyes. When she knocked on her door later that evening Beatrice didn’t expect for Ava to let her in. She didn’t expect for Ava’s red and watery eyes to just stare at her. She didn’t expect for Ava to embrace her with everything she had, to cling to her like Beatrice was the only thing that kept her together in that moment. Beatrice didn’t expect many things that happened that night. So when she felt herself pull back slightly from the embrace and press her lips to Ava’s forehead to try to convey some type comfort it came as quite the surprise. Her hands finding their way to Ava’s hips and pulling her closer was even more surprising. There was a softness to her actions that she hadn’t displayed in years. When her head finally caught up with the intent of her actions an ice cold wave of shame washed over her. As the all too familiar panic set in she pulled back in a shiver. She had been here before. Once. The looks and whispers were hurtful but they weren’t what truly devastated her. It was the break of a bond because of her flaws. The dissolution of a friendship due to a sin Beatrice seemed destined to be marked by. She exhaled shakily and closed her eyes, tears threatening to make their appearance. The darkness that seemed inevitable consumed her fully now, the ice cold hand of shame and regret squeezing her heart.

God she was weary of this.

Something soft then brushed against her lips. Something warm. She opened her eyes and there was just Ava. Ava looking beautiful and hesitant and scared. Her eyes still slightly red from crying but filled with something else too. “Beatrice. You’re beautiful.” They stared at each other without breathing for a moment. The longer Beatrice looked into her eyes the more everything else seemed to fade away. A sensation not entirely dissimilar to the numbness she craved in her darkest moments had started to seep in but this was fundamentally different. “What you are is beautiful.”

Ava had said those words not even a week ago but in this moment Beatrice felt their irrevocability all over again. Something inside of her yielded. She felt the raw emotion behind the words and Sister Melanie’s story flashed in her mind. _To be unbound and unburdened._ She couldn’t remember a time when she had felt that way. All things regarding _this_ side of her had always been laced with darkness.

It was a reckless feeling.

She had leaned forward and pressed her lips against Avas. Tentatively at first and then with more force. For a second Ava had hesitated and this had made Beatrice’s heart clench painfully again. She had started to surrender some of that suffocating control that had kept her restrained for so long but Ava’s lack of response had her immediately doubting herself. _Doubting her worth_. This reaction was well-versed. Almost instinctive at this point.

Beatrice pulled back. She held her breath, waiting for the inevitable backlash, feeling sick at the prospect of having worked so hard for so long only to have it all ripped away due to a flawed characteristic she had devoted most of her adult life trying to suppress. She was so tired of it.

Ava slowly opened her eyes and looked at her. Searched her face. Beatrice felt as if she was staring into her soul. As she opened her mouth to apologize Ava moved forward at lightning speed. Beatrice had found herself pushed up against the door with Ava’s mouth covering her own. Almost as if Ava’s primary intent had been to silence the growing insecurities which had no doubt been evident on her face. When her brain finally caught up with her, Beatrice felt a shift deep inside herself. Her previous panic and anguish was replaced by a fire she knew innately she would not be able to control. _Recklessness_. As Ava took control and pulled her bottom lip in between her own Beatrice felt herself wanting. Her hands moved to tangle in Ava’s hair to pull her impossibly closer. She gave a slight tug and Ava moaned into her mouth and dug her nails into her back. The slight pain it brought only seemed fitting.

Ava pushed her tongue into her mouth and licked the roof of her mouth, effectively driving Beatrice to the very edge of her self control. When her hand had found its way under her shirt, the warm sensation had snapped Beatrice out of the trance and she again pulled back. Meeting Ava’s eyes this time was different though. Her lips were swollen, she was breathing hard, and her pupils were blown. She was beautiful. God, she was beautiful. The fire roared in Beatrice’s chest. She was too far gone now to save herself.

Without breaking eye contact she grabbed Ava by the hips and slowly walked her backwards to the twin bed in the corner. With every step her heart beat became louder and louder. The back of Ava’s legs hit the bed frame and for the second time that evening the world seemed to slow to a halt. Beatrice examined Ava’s gaze trying to find any trace of doubt or discomfort. Anything that she could hold onto to save herself from being consumed by whatever this was. But she found none of that. Instead what she saw in Ava’s eyes was the same kind of wanting she was sure to be mirrored in her own. Slowly Ava had reached up and put her arms around Beatrice’s neck. She had leaned forward and whispered in Beatrice’s ear;

“Please.. I want you”. Beatrice shuddered and the fire raged in her veins. It would devour her and burn her, she was sure of it but she couldn’t find it in herself to care.

When their lips met this time there was an urgency that had them both panting hard. Ava swiped her tongue across Beatrice’s lips and she immediately granted her access. When they broke apart for air Beatrice had moved to Ava’s neck, leaving a trail of hot open mouthed kisses down to her collarbone. Ava’s nails had yet again begun digging into her back and the stinging pain further spurred Beatrice on. It wasn’t enough. In a swift movement she picked Ava up and pushed her onto the bed. Ava had wrapped her legs around her waist and shuddered as Beatrice continued her ministrations on her neck. When Ava’s hands had started wandering under her shirt and tracing patterns up her ribs the fire inside her chest flared once again. She had moved up and kissed Ava, slow and deep this time. As she broke the kiss she had taken Ava’s hand and guided it under the sports bra she was wearing. Ava had cupped her breast and as she rolled her nipple Beatrice couldn’t contain the moan that left her. Heat was pooling deep between her legs and the fire was already out of control but she wanted more, she wanted to feel every part of this woman who had walked into her life and completely turned it upside down. She had pulled back to remove her own shirt and bra and found Ava doing the same.

At the sight of Ava’s naked body Beatrice’s thoughts again went to the idea of Worship. How she had once had to learn how to worship, had to learn to recognize the sacredness of these patterns and accept them as something that brought value to her life.

As the holy mask she had worn for over a decade finally cracked she could only think of how easy worship would have come to her if the topic would have been Ava Silva. Beatrice had never felt overwhelming desire like this and in that moment it almost drove her mad. Her lack of control terrified her but part of her knew it was already too late for her. She would burn for this.

She lowered herself back down on top of Ava and kissed under her jaw and down her chest until she reached a hardened nipple. She took Ava’s breast into her mouth and with each flick of her tongue she was rewarded with nails digging into her back. Ava was moaning and clutching at her. Her hips kept pushing up into Beatrice, her movements becoming more and more desperate. Eventually Ava had grabbed Beatrice by her hair and tugged her up and into another searing kiss that had them both gasping for air.

“More. I want more of you”.

Ava had spoken in a husky voice and as they leaned their foreheads together, she had placed her hand on top of Beatrice’s and slowly begun guiding her down past her navel. Down, down, down. They reached the lining of the OCS training sweatpants Ava had been wearing. Beatrice had noticed then that they were both shaking. As she pushed her fingers further down her breath caught at the wetness and warmth she was met with. She slid in between Ava’s wet folds until she reached her entrance where she paused, not wanting to go any further without permission. She begun tracing patterns and reveling in the reactions it brought out in the other girl. Ava’s breathing was shallow now. Her skin was glistening with a sheen of sweat and her hands cradled Beatrice’s face.

“Please”. It almost sounded like a prayer. “Please, Beatrice”.

The fire that had already raged throughout her body threatened to completely envelop her now. When Beatrice pushed inside, Ava’s grip on her neck had tightened and she had let out a small whimper. She faltered a bit then, unsure of her next course of action. “Please, don’t stop”. Ava’s voice was raspy and breathless.

She had slid in and out of her, starting off slow but gradually building a faster pace. With each thrust Beatrice could feel Ava’s warm walls tightly around her fingers. She was so wet. Her back was arching with each thrust and she was moving her legs around Beatrice waist to urge her deeper inside. Her breathy moans were filling Beatrice’s ears, and the feel of Ava’s skin on her own was overwhelming her and making her painfully aware of her own aching sex. Her desire for Ava was something she had been aware of for a long time but up until approximately 9 minutes ago she had been able to compartmentalize those thoughts. Now, being knuckles deep inside the woman whose mere smile had on more than one occasion made her question her mental strength, Beatrice could not keep Ava from fully invading her senses as she had already done her mind. 

With her next thrust Beatrice tentatively swiped her thumb over Ava’s clit. The effect was almost immediate. Ava’s hips bucked into her palm and she released a guttural whimper that made Beatrice shudder. She continued her thrusts with the added swipe and it ant long until Ava fell apart beneath her.

Of all the spiritual moments she had experienced this felt by far like the most sacred. _Lord help me now because at this point I am so ready to give myself to this woman. I know that I will burn for this but if I get to see the beauty that is her like this I will gladly burn a thousand times._

Ava only lasted a few more moments before Beatrice felt her walls shuddering and clenching around her. She swallowed the other girls moan in a kiss and guided Ava through her orgasm as it rocked through her body. Ava’s nails had left burning red marks on her back and arms that would last for several days but in the moment Beatrice felt no pain. As their bodies melted together in a less frantic way the outskirts of her consciousness started becoming more aware of the impossible situation they now found themselves in. The darkness and coldness started to seep back in, battling with the fire over control. Those two entities were silenced when Ava opened her eyes and for a third time that evening everything seemingly grinded to a halt. Sweat coated both of their bodies and Ava’s skin was still flushed. She was so pretty. _How could someone so beautiful, someone whose sheer existence made her question her very purpose in this life equal eternal condemnation?_ Or perhaps that was exactly why this was forbidden. This all-consuming thing that had made her break her vows with such little regard for any consequences.

Ava’s eyes testified to a similar inner turmoil however, likely for very different reasons. But there was no fear as Beatrice was sure was evident in her own, no. Chaos sure, but also understanding and warmth and.. something else. Slowly as if to give her ample time to pull away Ava reached up and cupped Beatrice’s cheek.

“It’s okay” she said. “You’re okay”.

It was as if she was telling herself this as much as she was telling Beatrice. Willing them both not to succumb to doubt and fear in the wake of their actions. To just stay in their own bubble for a little bit longer. She had pressed her forehead against Beatrice’ and for a moment nothing else had existed except for them and the intermingling of their breaths. Beatrice was struggling to form cohesive thoughts let alone words but when she sensed that the coldness inside her was spreading she did the only thing she could think off to keep the darkness away; she kissed Ava again and let the beast inside of her rage freely again. Fighting one monster with another, neither of which she could even attempt to control.

She would spend that night worshipping Ava, but deny herself any physical satisfaction. That was something she could regulate and the sweet aching torture that manifested itself through soaked underwear and her throbbing clit would be a suitable punishment. Not enough to grant forgiveness, no. There was no forgiving these actions, Beatrice knew that. Although she was becoming more and more aware and perhaps even accepting of her lack of discipline, Beatrice knew she was undeserving of anything remotely resembling pleasure. She deserved nothing but the sharp pain from Ava’s nails as they dug into her skin. 


	2. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice struggles with coming to terms with herself and exhibit destructive tendencies. Mary is the big sister we all want and need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and kudos. I guess we shall see where this journey takes us.

Beatrice had awoken in the early hours still naked and wrapped up in Ava’s arms. She fought off the guilt for long enough to memorize the image of the girl beside her. The morning light was starting to seep in through the window and as it hit Ava’s hair it made her look almost ethereal. Beatrice couldn’t keep herself from reaching out and tucking a piece of stray hair behind her ear. This was a different Ava than the one who she had delivered countless orgasms to just a few hours ago. Different than the girl she could still taste on her lips. _Beautiful_. She hid away the image of a sleeping Ava in a box somewhere in the back of her mind and made a mental note not to open it again. _Self preservation_ is what she would call it. She carefully extracted herself from Ava’s embrace before getting dressed and exiting the room.

As soon as the door closed she was again surrounded by darkness, and the coldness that clenched her heart made it hard for her to breathe. She stumbled through the hallway until she reached her room. The pressure in her chest wasn’t subsiding and so she closed her door and sank down into a heaping pile at the base of her bed. It was as if the fire in her veins had been replaced by mercury and it was leaching into her tissues, destroying anything that was good about her. Erasing any part of her that gave her value.

_Disgrace._

_Sinner._

_Undeserving and worthless._

_Abomination._

The words echoed in her head. She had no one to blame but herself. Her breathe returned and so did the tears. 

The days after their night together went by in a blur. Beatrice had thrown herself into her training per usual but the regular numbness she was so desperate for evaded her. She doubled her weightlifting sessions with Mary and intensified her morning runs with Camila. Avoiding Ava seemed more like self-defense at this point and so she skipped out on any activities where she knew their paths would cross.

Nothing helped. 

Not even when Lilith, with her newly acquired demon powers, landed a blow to her head with enough force to split her eyebrow open and temporary knock her unconscious was she granted any reprieve. When she opened her eyes, Ava was hovering over her, and Lilith was crawling out of a hole in the wall that definitely hadn’t been there when they had started their sparring session. The light of the Halo had slowly dimmed and she had felt Ava’s concerned eyes on her but she found herself unable to meet her gaze. The guilt was washing over her again and she suddenly wished that Ava hadn’t been there at all. Beatrice had jerkily pulled away from her and had taken two steps before nearly falling on her face again only to be steadied by Mary who had lead her down to the infirmary while muttering about blood splatter on her new leather jacket. Before they had exited the training room Beatrice had chanced a glance in Ava’s direction. The look of confusion and hurt on her face had made her wince internally. This wasn’t Ava’s fault. This was her burden to bear. Alone.

The infirmary nun had given her pain meds but she did not take them. She deserved the pain. 

Twelve days later she took a bullet to the shoulder during a routine mission gone wrong. She had seen the shooter who had been aiming at Ava’s back and pushed her out of the way when the shot was fired. As Beatrice hit the ground the sky had been lit up around her. She lost enough blood to pass before they reached the van and when she came to she was in the infirmary with Camila asleep in a chair next to her bed. She had been hooked up to a steady drip of saline and morphine I.V. but she pinched the tube and spent the night awake and in agonizing pain instead. It’s what she deserved. Before dawn came she straightened out the tube and left Camila and the morning shift nurse none the wiser.

The next night Lilith had been the one to keep her company. They didn’t talk much except for debriefing the mission. When Lilith started yawning Beatrice had urged her to go get some sleep and told her she would be fine on her own. Lilith hesitated momentarily but eventually retreated. As soon as she had left the room Beatrice had again pinched the tube and waited for the pain to emerge and burn through her wounded shoulder. It felt unbearable but then again so were her sins. _Unforgiveable._ Beatrice gritted her teeth and took the pain. She deserved the pain. _Deserved to be punished for her flaws._ By morning she was pale and soaked in sweat but it didn’t matter. She would bear it. The nurse had given her still half full I.V bag a confused look in the morning but didn’t say anything. Just did her rounds and left quickly without sparing Beatrice a second glance. _Maybe my guilt is that obvious to others_ she thought. The idea made what had now become a tsunami of cold shame wash over her again and for a second she was almost grateful for the morphine. 

By the third night no one came to keep her company. The realization that no one cared enough to visit her stung and yet only seemed fitting. She pinched the tube again and settled in for her self-induced nocturnal torture session but was interrupted in the middle of the night when Mary crashed through the door and caught her completely off-guard.

“Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Mary looked furious and for a second Beatrice was convinced that she somehow had found out what had happened with her and Ava and this is who they sent to throw her out of the Cradle. Maybe none of the other Sisters could even stand being around her anymore.

“Mary, I have no idea what you’re talking about, care to be more specific?” She tried to sound confused and annoyed.

But Mary’s only response had been to lift up her covers and yank the pinched tube out of her hands.

“Really? This is what you’re gonna do? We risk our lives fighting demons for fucks sake. Shannon is dead. Lilith literally went to hell. And Ava has probably broken more bones since she got the Halo than all of us have combined. And you’re gonna lay here and chose this pain like it’s some fucked up act of mortification?! Like some goddamn martyr? Do you really think you’re that special?”

Mary was in her face full on yelling at her and Beatrice felt her self-control fading fast.

“I don’t think I’m special Mary that has nothing to do with it.”

She was seething. The idea that Mary thought that she was doing this for attention or as some kind of self-indulgent way to feel better about her recent failures in the field pulled on her pride and anger was quickly flaring in her chest. The pain was diminishing now and instead she felt a drug-induced mercy she hadn’t earned. She was starting to hate this whole situation. Mary just stared at her and so she leveled with her and shot her back a look of defiance and attempted to will her away with her mind. Mary looked utterly unimpressed. 

Beatrice suddenly decided that she had had enough of this conversation. She quickly pulled the I.V needle out of her hand and threw it on the floor, ignoring the burning sensation that followed. She tried to get up but failed and ended up bumping her bad shoulder into the bedframe. White hot searing pain temporarily blinded her and she couldn’t contain the muffled scream that came out of her. She felt Mary’s hands on her, guiding her back down to the pillow. The pain had brought tears to her eyes and as Mary gently reinserted the morphine needle they spilled over. She was so damn weary. So tired of the darkness and the cold. So sick of her burden.

Her brain registered the screeching sound of Mary pulling up a chair to the bed.

“Listen kid, I’m gonna talk for a little bit and all I need you to do is listen. I know what you’re going through. I may not know all of it, and I really hope I never know all the details but I have eyes. Something happened between you and Ava. You can try to deny it but you would be lying.”

Beatrice had flinched at this but didn’t object. She just continued to stare at a spot behind Mary’s right shoulder while silent tears continued to roll down her cheeks.

“You and I have spent quite some time together and even though you are more heavily guarded than the Mona Lisa, you are my Sister and I know you. I know what your vows mean to you, I understand how important God and the church is to you. More than anything I know how important this Order and your fellow Sisters are to you. I know you’ve found a purpose here. You are smart and fierce and so many of us rely on you in the most dangerous of situations to guide us. So let me make this absolutely clear to you; You are our Sister and friend. And if you continue down this path to hurt yourself you will be hurting a person we all love and we will not accept it. We need you Beatrice. Please don’t leave us. We will not make it without you.”

Her words made Beatrice’s mind spin. This was not going in the direction she had expected. 

“Ava certainly will not survive this without you.” Mary added. “You have to know that.”

At the mention of Ava’s name Beatrice held her breath and exhaled shakily. The panic was rising again, she was feeling everything and nothing and it was all so much, way too much. _Nothing could happen to Ava._ She couldn’t bear the thought of it. The room started spinning and the icy guilt was washing over her again. Her breathing became more rapid and uncontrolled and her eyes were struggling to focus. Her chest was constricting. She felt like she was dying.

Then there was Mary’s hands on her face and her voice telling her to look into her eyes, to focus on her eyes and nothing else.

“Look at me Bea, focus on me. Focus on my breathing. Don’t worry about matching it just focus on me okay?”

She had taken Beatrice’s hand in her own and convinced her to squeeze as hard as she could until she calmed down. After what seemed like an eternity the pressure on her chest had finally subsided and she had been able to regulate her breathing again. Mary had refused to let go of her hand and eventually Beatrice had fallen into a dreamless sleep with their hands still intertwined.

When she woke up the next morning Mary was still there with the addition of two cups of black coffee. “Time to get up baby girl” she said unceremoniously. “You and I are going for a drive.” 

Mary “borrowed” one of the vans and they discretely left the Cat’s Cradle. She drove them up the mountains into a rural area Beatrice was unfamiliar with.

“Are you driving me far away from civilization so you can kill me without having to clean the blood off the sparring mats?” Her tone was sarcastic but Mary’s reply came with a surprising amount of anger.

“Girl, as much as I would love to beat some sense into you right now, you’re doing a pretty good job of hurting yourself lately.” 

The words cut her deeper than she expected. They spent the rest of the ride in silence. When the road ended, they got out and continued on foot. Mary led the way on what appeared to be an old goat path in between the trees. They trekked for the better part of an hour straight into the wilderness. She was sweating and her shoulder was aching but Beatrice barely felt any of it. She was growing frustrated with the whole situation and the fact that she had been doing nothing but stare at Mary’s back for what seemed like an eternity was starting to get to her. She was just about to bring her irritation to Mary’s attention when the older woman stopped abruptly.

They had reached the hard edge of a cliff of what Beatrice estimated to be a 100ft drop. The view from up here was spectacular and as Mary sat down on the edge Beatrice followed. They sat in silence and admired the view. When Mary finally spoke Beatrice was almost started by the sound.

“Shannon and I used to come here, when things became too much for her back at the cradle. I know it may not have seemed like it but when she first got offered the halo she was so scared. Scared she wasn’t worthy of it. Scared that it would reject her. But she loved all of you so much. She couldn’t bear the thought of any of you potentially dying the way the Halo-bearer before her had done and so she accepted it though it terrified her.

“What was she so scared of?” Beatrice couldn’t stop herself from asking.

Mary looked at her for a long time then sighed.

“She was scared that her love for me would make her unfit as Gods champion. Scared that the halo would burn right through her skin and deliver her judgment because of something she had been told her whole life was a flaw. Even still, she would rather risk the pain and the scar than to pass the burden of the Halo to any of you if she could help it.”

At Mary’s words tears sprang to Beatrice eyes. Shannon had been such a calming force when their lives were anything but calm. She had made the effort to make Beatrice feel comfortable and seen from the very first day she stepped foot in Cat’s Cradle and since then she had shown her nothing but love and kindness until the very end. More than anything Shannon had made Beatrice feel safe and watched over. For someone who had learned early to rarely rely on anyone but herself that was a big accomplishment. 

“But the Halo did accept her..”

“Yes.” Mary said. “The Halo accepted her completely and without hesitation. Something we both know isn’t always the case.”

They sat in silence for a moment each wrapped up in their memories of their fallen Sister. Finally Mary turned towards her again.

“You and I come from very different backgrounds, but you shared more with Shannon than you may think. When I first met her she was incredibly broken. Even as we slowly fell in love she had some truly destructive tendencies towards herself. It hurt me knowing that I was the source of her pain when all I wanted to do was love her. She was so deserving of love but often times she would reject it. We had some ups and downs. However, after the Halo accepted her she started to accept herself more as well. I think she finally realized that despite what she had been told was wrong with her she was worthy of His love. God loves. It’s that simple. It’s people who hate.”

Beatrice closed her eyes and allowed Mary’s words to seep into her. She couldn’t argue the logic in them. But she was uncertain of how this new perspective would impact her. _When did everything become so complicated_ she thought to herself. Then again her life had always been complicated, in fact, what Mary was telling her might arguably have been the least complicated thing she had heard in a while.

_God loves._

Her heart ached a little less.

They stayed at the cliffs edge until sundown, sharing their memories of Shannon. It was cathartic to say the least. A few more tears were shed and there were quite a few laughs. When they finally got up Beatrice noticed what looked like a colorful yellow handkerchief at the bottom of the cliff.

“What is that?” She wondered.

“Oh must have been something Ava dropped last time she was here”. Mary had been quick to turn around and start walking.

“Oh… wait.. IS THIS THE SAME CLIFF YOU PUSHED HER OFF OF??” Beatrice yelled after her incrediously.

“Who knows, these cliffs look all the same, anyways its getting dark shall we?” Mary did not bother to wait for a response and all but ran down the trail.

They made it back to Cat’s cradle just after dark. Mary parked the van, turned off the ignition and turned towards her. She fixed Beatrice with her gaze and stared her down.

“No more hurting yourself or letting yourself get hurt. I promise you, we, your family, will not stand for it. I know you’re dealing with a lot right now but you are not alone. You’re never alone Beatrice. You are loved and accepted just the way you are. I know it will take time before you will start seeing how worthy and awesome you are but in the meantime you have to find a way to deal with everything you’re currently bottling up inside. I’m all for the increase in workouts and training but only if you balance it with healthy eating and sleeping patterns. I believe in you kid and one day I know you will see what the rest of us see.”

Beatrice gave her a small smile, not quite ready to let on how overwhelmingly comforting it was to know that someone cared about her well-being this much. They both got out of the car and started walking towards down the hallway to their respective rooms. When they reached Beatrice’s door Mary unexpectedly pulled her in for a crushing hug. It was all she could do to stop the tears from falling again.

“I’m always here, kid. And to be honest you’re way too good to be this fucked up. So please do us all a favor and be kinder to yourself. We only have one multilingual ninja genius around here, and we would be hella lost without you, you hear me? Chin up, soldier. Tomorrow is a new day.”

They pulled apart and Beatrice watched Mary walk down the hallway. “Language” she whispered softly and smiled to herself before she went inside and fell into bed dirty and exhausted but somehow lighter than she had felt in years.

_Tomorrow was a new day._


	3. Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice is finding herself again and just wants to work out in peace. Enter the disruptive force that is Ava.

The following days were better. Not good but definitely better. Beatrice spent a few days resting before she began physical therapy for her shoulder. It was a slow and frustrating process, one that had been further delayed by her previous lack of self-care. Mary was with her in the gym every day, offering sisterly support and “constructive criticism” as she liked to call it. More like light harassment and bullying the crippled kid in Beatrice’s opinion but she gave back as good as she got. Their dynamic had shifted and as unfamiliar as it was to Beatrice she couldn’t deny the comfort it brought her. Ever since their day trip they had developed a deeper understanding for each other. Hearing about Shannon’s struggles had given her a lot to think about. Her truth wasn’t going to erase the years of emotional abuse and the internalized homophobia she had endured throughout her upbringing and subsequent years but it provided something to hold onto to make the darker days a little brighter.

After her morning PT sessions, Camila would mysteriously show up with leftover breakfast items and somehow always find the time to sit with Beatrice until she had finished eating said items. Beatrice had caught on to it all after a few days of this behavior but didn’t have the heart to call her out on it. It occurred to her that maybe she should be upset about the pretense of it all but truth be said she didn’t mind it. Camila wasn’t tip toeing around her; she was just making sure she ate enough to keep her body healing. Even Lilith had been kinder and more supportive, which was rather unusual.

The only thing that felt off was Ava. Beatrice had resigned herself to the fact that she would not be able to avoid her forever but it now appeared as if Ava had adopted her elusive behavior. She hadn’t seen the younger girl in almost two weeks when she caught word that Ava had exhausted the halo during her training with Lilith earlier that morning. This surprised Beatrice; as far as she knew Ava had gotten much better at controlling the output from the Halo. She also couldn’t suppress the worry and subsequent shame she felt upon learning about Ava. The icy hand ghosted around her heart before she managed to take control again. _Steady breaths_ she told herself. She had no wish to unpack her emotions concerning Ava Silva but also knew she couldn’t keep compartmentalizing it all forever. Sooner or later something would have to give. _Just keep your head down, just a little bit longer._ She had no clue what she was waiting for, just that she wasn’t ready for it yet.

As it so happened the universe had different plans.

Late one evening Beatrice found herself in the boxing section of the sparring hall. She had the whole space to herself, which was exactly how she preferred it, and had subsequently spent hours working on the power and mobility of her bad shoulder. The session had started off just fine but the build up of scar tissue had rendered her slightly slower and weaker than normal. She was growing frustrated and her technique was starting to suffer from it. Her limbs were aching and she was drenched in sweat yet she wasn’t ready to quit yet. The Nurse had warned her not to push herself too hard but even Nurse Rachel had known it would fall on deaf ears.

Beatrice felt an itch that she hadn’t been able to soothe yet. She launched another assault on the punching bag and moved through several combos before a voice made her jump and stop mid-motion.

“Geez what did that poor bag ever do to you?”

As she spun around she found Ava standing in the middle of the room watching her, wearing training gear and her hair up in a tight ponytail. Beatrice berated herself for not being more aware of her surroundings. She was growing soft, another failure to add to the growing list. _Breathe_ she thought. _Just breathe_.

“I didn’t expect to see you down here on your own accord.” Beatrice tried to sound indifferent and if there had been a temporary spike in her pulse upon seeing Ava (as her Fitbit so kindly pointed out), well that was probably just a sensory glitch. 

“Well I was feeling restless and was hoping to get some energy out.” Ava smiled but she couldn’t help but to notice that it didn’t reach her eyes and Ava soon looked away.

Beatrice hated that she had caused this rift between them. Sinner or not, it was her duty to protect and support the halo-bearer. One might argue that taking a bullet for their champion certainly displayed hints of dedication, but Beatrice knew the truth. In the past weeks she had failed rather miserably at her responsibilities of preparing the halo-bearer to face the difficult challenges that surely lied ahead. On a more personal note, she had promised Ava that she wouldn’t leave her. The image of Ava’s hurt look when she had pulled away from her after Lilith knocked her out flashed in her mind. It made her cringe now.

She abandoned the punching bag temporarily and took a swig from her water bottle. She was parched and her breathing was still uneven. _From the workout_ she told herself. She sank down into a chair and focused on steadying her breathing and slowing down her heart beat. From the corner of her eye she saw Ava setting up camp on a bench not far from her. The other girl proceeded with a quick warm up followed by some stretching exercises. Not that Beatrice was watching her. Just making sure she is actually properly warm and limber so she doesn’t pull anything. _Focus, you got work to do_. She got up and made a half-hearted attempt to assault the punching bag again. Her shoulder quickly revolted against this idea and she resigned herself to concentrate more on kicks. 

“I haven’t seen you at dinner lately. Camila told me you’ve been kind of a recluse.” Ava’s voice rang out in the vast space.

Beatrice hesitated for a second before she answered, not sure of how to navigate the conversation.

“Yeah I have been dealing with some stuff.” Quite the understatement.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I.. I’m just sorry.” Ava looked so sad and guilty and it broke her heart. The air was now thick with what was left unsaid. _This is not your fault_. She wanted to tell her but Beatrice wasn’t ready to approach the topic of their rendezvous which was sure to follow just yet. She abandoned her punching bag again and walked over to the mat where Ava had positioned herself. She sat down at a safe distance and faced her.

“You have nothing to apologize for. I’m just figuring some stuff out. It is not from anything you or anyone else did.” She was looking into Ava’s eyes, willing her to understand the meaning behind her words. She needed her to understand. Ava looked at her contemplatively for a moment before her mood shifted and she got up and offered Beatrice a hand.

“Care to spar with me? I reckon with your busted shoulder I might actually have a chance this time”

She flashed her one of her Ava-grins. It did marvelous things to Beatrice’s insides. _Bad things_ she scolded herself. She hadn’t intended on interacting in depth much more tonight, and she still didn’t feel satisfied enough with her own workout to quit. Plus there were other reasons to prioritize keeping a respectable distance between herself and the halo-bearer for now, her lack of self-discipline around the other girl being the most damning one.

She looked around trying to find an excuse, any excuse really, but came up with absolutely nothing. Ava needed to train. With the halo being drained she was forced to actually work on her natural combat skills and this was a good opportunity for an evaluation. It just happened to be so that they were practically the only team members currently at the cradle. The others had left earlier for an over-night recon mission. Mary had been out of town since the night before and wasn’t due back for another few days.

Beatrice sighed. The odds were never in her favor.

She resigned herself to her fate and allowed Ava to pull her up from the floor. For whatever reason, Ava felt it was appropriate to shed her training shirt for the fight and when she turned around and stepped onto the mat she was wearing only a sports bra and her training shorts. Beatrice couldn’t help but to notice a bead of sweat slowly making its way across tanned skin down her chest before it disappeared beneath the black fabric of said bra. Beatrice swallowed and tried to regain her focus. She felt that itch again somewhere deep inside. _Don’t get distracted, you’re better than that._

Her competitiveness finally pulled her out of her daze. She removed her sneakers and assumed her position on the mat. On the other side she saw Ava doing the same and she anticipated her to make the first move. She didn’t have to wait long before Ava started advancing, throwing a few familiar combos that she easily deflected. Beatrice countered with some quick punches forcing Ava backwards followed by a leg swipe which she narrowly avoided. She stumbled but quickly regained her balance.

“Is that all you got?” Ava smirked but frustration about being caught off-guard was evident in her voice.

Before Beatrice had time to answer Ava was on the offense throwing random punches and steadily advancing into her space. Beatrice quickly found herself working hard to block the onslaught of Ava’s assault, her shoulder was already beginning to ache and she was starting to get irritated with herself. _She was better than this._ She continued to be on the defense for several minutes, unable to land any hits and struggling to maintain her position when Ava’s fist bypassed her block and connected with her chin. It wasn’t a hard blow physically but to Beatrice’s ego it as deafening. It triggered something raw and primitive in her and she quickly swiped at Ava’s legs, this time successfully knocking the girl off her feet. Ava landed on her back with an indignant grunt and Beatrice was on her instantly.

What had begun as a simple sparring match was rapidly becoming a lot more intense. Agitation was evident in both of them as they wrestled on the floor, sloppily throwing and connecting several punches between each other, any notion of form or technique clearly discarded.

Beatrice was furious at her own ineptitude, refusing to give in despite her aching shoulder. She failed to recognize the fire that had begun pulsating inside her, too focused on the fight to notice. As she attempted to put her in a choke hold, Ava responded by punching her bad shoulder until Beatrice let go with a growl. The rage was back and as if reacting on instinct Beatrice deflected her next punch, grabbed her wrist and flipped Ava over her shoulder in a brutal move that was actually banned in training due to the high risk of injury, effectively ending the match. Beatrice didn’t care. She quickly straddled her and pinned Ava’s arms hard above her head despite the loud protests from her own shoulder. They stared at each other, both women breathing hard. Ava looked up at her defiantly, squirming to get out of the iron hold she had her in but Beatrice didn’t waver. _Not until she gives up_ she thought _._ Her knuckles were turning white. Finally Ava stopped struggling beneath her.

”Surrender.” Beatrice tried to act calm but she felt herself trembling. The spirit of the fight was wearing off and she was now becoming very aware of her own unsportsman-like conduct. She was also quite aware how close they were.

Ava’s expression was indecipherable and her muscles tensed as if she was going to start squirming again. Instead her only movement came in the form of her hips slightly canting up into Beatrice. The movement was minimal and would probably have been missed by any on-looker. But the implications of said actions couldn’t be misconstrued. At the unexpected contact Beatrice involuntarily shuddered and she slowly released a shaky breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. Her reaction made Ava’s expression shift into a much softer one and when she rolled her hips again Beatrice finally noticed the fire spreading inside her. She closed her eyes. The anger from the fight as gone now, replaced by something else entirely. Heat was already pooling between her legs. That itch was back only now Beatrice recognized it for what it truly was. _Wanting_. They were so close now, so impossibly close. _Unburdened. Unbound._ The words echoed in her head.

She opened her eyes again and met Ava’s inquisitive gaze. She was staring deeply into her eyes as if she was looking for the answer to life itself. Apparently whatever she saw was satisfactory because suddenly their lips were crashing together. Ava granted her access immediately and the moan that escaped her when Beatrice licked into her mouth was absolutely filthy. The sound of it had erased the last of Beatrice’s willpower and replaced it with a raw need for more. More touching, more friction, more anything and everything. She released her hold on Ava’s wrists and instead started rubbing her hands up and down her sides, craving the sensation of Ava’s skin on her own. She felt the pressure between her legs from Ava’s hips but it wasn’t nearly enough. She pulled herself up momentarily to shift one leg in between Ava’s before she sunk back down and pushed her thigh into her core hard. She was immediately rewarded with a moan and when Ava pressed her own thigh into her Beatrice couldn’t contain her own reaction.

Nothing she had ever experienced in her whole life even came remotely close to feeling this good. They moved against one another, needy and clashing and desperate before finding their rhythm. The inferno had completely taken over now and Beatrice had surrendered all control without any resistance. This would consume her fully and she would probably regret her actions in the morning but for now all she wanted was the woman underneath her. She wanted to feel her, taste her, kiss her. Ravage her.

She felt Ava’s wetness through her soaked shorts on her thigh and it was driving her crazy. She pulled away from her mouth and started kissing down her neck. Ava’s salty skin was burning under her lips and as she slid her hand under her sports bra she was met with an already hard nipple. She rolled it between her fingers and relished in the audible gasp and increased pressure on her clit as Ava’s hips jerked into her.

“You can’t… keep doing that.” Ava rasped out. The sound of her trembling voice was making her ache.

“And why is that?”

“I can’t.. I can’t be quiet if you keep doing that.” As if on cue the friction between them caused them both to moan.

“Do you want me to stop?” Beatrice’s breathing was ragged a well. She wondered if she even could stop at this point.

“God, NO… but.. maybe.. maybe we should relocate.”

“Uh-huh..”

At this point Beatrice was only half paying attention. The grinding combined with the taste of Ava’s skin and the sounds she was making were distracting to say the least. Perhaps that’s why she didn’t notice the shift in Ava’s position until it was too late (at least that’s what she told herself). Discretely Ava had trapped her other leg with her foot and with a swift move (that Beatrice had definitely taught her) she had rolled them both over so that she was now on top. If Beatrice wasn’t turned on already she definitely was now. Ava' only smirked at the strangled moan that left her mouth and leaned down until she was right next to her ear.

“We can’t stay here any longer… tonight I want you to make me scream.”

The words had barely left her mouth before Beatrice let out what could accurately be considered a primitive growl and picked them both up from the ground. Adrenaline surged through her again and it mixed with an intense need for more. She quickly exited the sparring room with Ava wrapped around her waist and marched down the hallway. Ava’s lips were on her neck, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses and licking the shell of her ear. A hand had begun palming her breast and the sensation on her nipple was making Beatrice acutely aware of her throbbing clit. _And here I thought getting shot was torturous._

As soon as they were through the door to her bedroom Ava unceremoniously pulled her sports bra over her head and Beatrice’s mouth had engulfed her nipple before her back even touched the mattress. Breathy moans and scrapping finger nails on her back further spurred her on and she continued flicking the hardened peak while attempting to pull off Ava’s training shorts. There was an urgency to their movements now. The need for release was entering a state bordering on desperation.

She was pleasantly surprised to find that Ava apparently didn’t believe in underwear and as she removed the shorts completely and watched Ava’s legs fall open in front of her she couldn’t keep herself from staring at the picture before her. She feared she would never stop craving seeing the halo-bearer like this. Exposed and vulnerable yet so strong. Confident. Mesmerizingly beautiful.

She knew exactly what she wanted to do to her. They locked eyes as Beatrice positioned herself on her knees between her legs. Her movements were slow and deliberate, giving the other woman ample of time to stop them from going down yet another path they couldn’t turn back from. But all she saw in Ava’s eyes was trust and want and so she silently sent a futile prayer for forgiveness before she closed the gap and let her tongue spread Ava’s wet folds from top to bottom and back up.

The taste was like unlike anything she had ever imagined and she found herself rapidly becoming addicted to the essence of Ava. She lapped greedily at her entrance, determined to taste as much of her as possible. When her tongue slipped inside, she felt Ava’s hands entangle in her hair. The girl was moaning loudly, almost whimpering and the sound was driving Beatrice crazy with desire. She moved up to her clit and started gently flicking with the tip of her tongue and was immediately rewarded with Ava’s hips jerking with the each swipe. She looked up and met Ava’s gaze through heavily lidded eyes. Without breaking eye contact Beatrice pushed two fingers into her slit and was immediately welcomed with the warm wet walls of Ava’s core. Ava threw her head back against the mattress and a slew of profanities came out in a high pitched voice. Beatrice started pumping in and out of her, eagerly watching the reactions of each thrust and lick. Before long Ava was moving her hips in rhythm with Beatrice’s fingers and she had been reduced to a whimpering mess.

“Oh God, I’m so close… Don’t.. Don’t stop, please don’t fucking stop..”

Beatrice felt the girl starting to go rigid under her. She grabbed Ava’s thrashing hand and intertwined their fingers, anchoring them together. Ava’ back arched off the mattress, her muscles clamped down and her eyes slammed shut.

“Oh, God, fuck… Bea!”

She looked on in awe as the first orgasm rocked through the girl and when she curled her fingers and pushed deeper inside, Ava’s whole body convulsed again and soon she had coaxed a second one out of her. After she had gently eased her down, Ava fell back to the mattress and pulled Beatrice with her.

For a moment there was just the intermingling of their still ragged breaths and the warmth of their intertwined hands. Their eyes met for a second too long before one of them, Beatrice wasn’t sure which one, leaned forward and captured the others lips in a burning kiss. When they finally broke apart Ava’s hands were roaming freely under her shirt, palming her breasts and tracing the outline of her nipples. She started rubbing them and each swipe shot straight to Beatrice’s crotch. The sensation made her ache and she knew what she wanted, where she wanted her but she felt conflicted.

Part of her still didn’t believe she was worthy of anything good. Especially not anything as good as Ava Silva. Part of her was having a real hard time letting go of the idea that she would most definitely burn in hell for the acts she had already committed.

In the end the decisive factor ended up being Ava’s mouth which when it engulfed her nipple effectively ended all of her brain activity.

_Tomorrow is a new day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the continued support, this is awesome!

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are my own.


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